Perhaps the difference is that I saw myself with absolute clarity as a girl at the age of 12. That certainty never went away no matter how hard I tried to be ‘him’.
So why did I wait 45 years?
Because I knew very little and what I did know was that my life and that of my family was a very shaky house of cards. I had committed to my wife and my children and I absolutely had to keep them safe. It was an unvoiced promise.
I was right too. Within months of beginning my transition I was out of my job in the business I had co-founded 30 years before.
Thank you for telling me that, Gini. Waiting to keep a promise to the people you love isn't a failure of clarity. You knew, and you kept your word as well, and that is a heavy thing to carry for so long. I'm sorry the cost arrived so quickly once you began. The three wishes on a run made me smile, though. That is a very good use of a run.
Interesting question and I'm ashamed to admit that I've spent a lot more than three seconds thinking and I'm not sure that I would have pressed the button at any time in my life other than the odd fleeting moment when the gender issues became overwhelming. It's not that I don't want the physical results from pressing it, in fact I've never wanted them more than I do at the moment, but just that as Amanda I occupy a completely different world to 'him' and I've never seen, or even wanted, those two worlds to overlap. And for a long time, I was trying to be the person my chromosomes dictated so pressing the button would either have felt like a cop out or I’d have hesitated thinking that maybe tomorrow would be better.
There’s also another factor here and that’s that who I am now is a consequence of who I have been. It’s only now with the benefit of the wisdom of life that I feel in any way capable of inhabiting the feminine world. Of course, in the past I’ve envied women and wished that things had been different and I’d been born female but that’s not the same thing as becoming one with the push of a button.
That leaves the present day. I would definitely seriously consider taking a chance and pressing that button but as I suggested above, I’m not sure I would want to occupy my male world as a female even if acceptance was guaranteed. To me, it’s not just becoming a better version of me but being able to inhabit a world that seemed closed to me for so long. Enjoying total tolerance and acceptance from those closest to me is an attractive thought but, horrible as it may sound, I’m not sure that there is room for them in my feminine world.
And, of course, what none of us know is how we’d feel after pressing the button. Would we get the contentment we crave or would we just look at the male world with a tinge of envy? I can see the attraction from your point of view as it gives you all of the positives you fought so hard for and none of the negatives that you’ve touched on in other posts but for those of us straddling the gender divide, the waters are a lot muddier.
Finally, had a quick listen to the audio - your voice sounds amazing! You must be beyond delighted.
This is a better answer than mine, Amanda, and I would much rather have it than an echo. You're right that the thought experiment is rigged in my favour. It removes the cost, and for me the cost was never the question. What you say about who you are now being a consequence of who you've been is the part I can't argue with. I can only speak for my own answer, which came without thinking and never changed. Yours plainly didn't, and that isn't a cop out. It's the same question with muddier water, and I'd say the straddling is harder precisely because you know what you're weighing. Thank you for listening to the audio too. That's kind of you.
It was a different answer but not necessarily better!! We're all individuals and it's as legitimate for you to know that you'd have pressed that button without hesitation every time as it is for me to be hesitant. What's important is that we don't view all of this through rose tinted spectacles and either assume that it will resolve all of the problems in our life or assume that just because we're at various points on the same path, we're destined for the same destination or that blindingly following the person in front will lead us to the right place.
I actually love questions like the one you posed about the button because it does invite introspection and self-challenge. Your button is similar to the pill question - if you could take a pill that would remove all transgender thoughts and give you a normal life in your biological gender would you take it? I already know the answer in your case (!) but I would struggle to decide - I'd give anything to stop the battle raging in my head as I try to deal with this but these days I know that my feminine time, scant though it is, brings me happiness I never thought possible and cannot contemplate relinquishing that.
I guess the question back to you is whether, if you hadn't had the resources to make your transition so spectacularly successful, you'd still have pressed that button?!
Likewise. No point in my memory would i not press that hard. I can safely say no cis person i know would even think of touching it though. Anytime as a teen that i tried touching the subject they stared at me like I was suggesting eating dog poop for dinner. It showed me i was very different from everyone
Paula, a therapist is a very different place to meet that question from a blog post. I hope it left you with something useful. It's a good one to be asked in a quiet room.
I’d have pressed it even if it blew everything up. From the time I was 8, I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was always worried that I’d look ridiculous. I was always good looking as a man and I was afraid to give it up. It slowed my transition for years. As I got older and I decided I could compete with a little confidence. I went for it.
"Afraid to give it up" is an honest thing to say, Kelly, and I suspect it is more common than people admit. It is a real thing to be asked to leave behind. I'm glad you went for it, and that the confidence turned up when you needed it.
When you get in your 50s , you have a choice. Age into being a broken down old man or be a cool old trans woman. I chose the latter, and I’m glad I did.
It’s definitely a lot more interesting , and a lot more fun.🤩
Perhaps the difference is that I saw myself with absolute clarity as a girl at the age of 12. That certainty never went away no matter how hard I tried to be ‘him’.
So why did I wait 45 years?
Because I knew very little and what I did know was that my life and that of my family was a very shaky house of cards. I had committed to my wife and my children and I absolutely had to keep them safe. It was an unvoiced promise.
I was right too. Within months of beginning my transition I was out of my job in the business I had co-founded 30 years before.
Thank you for telling me that, Gini. Waiting to keep a promise to the people you love isn't a failure of clarity. You knew, and you kept your word as well, and that is a heavy thing to carry for so long. I'm sorry the cost arrived so quickly once you began. The three wishes on a run made me smile, though. That is a very good use of a run.
Interesting question and I'm ashamed to admit that I've spent a lot more than three seconds thinking and I'm not sure that I would have pressed the button at any time in my life other than the odd fleeting moment when the gender issues became overwhelming. It's not that I don't want the physical results from pressing it, in fact I've never wanted them more than I do at the moment, but just that as Amanda I occupy a completely different world to 'him' and I've never seen, or even wanted, those two worlds to overlap. And for a long time, I was trying to be the person my chromosomes dictated so pressing the button would either have felt like a cop out or I’d have hesitated thinking that maybe tomorrow would be better.
There’s also another factor here and that’s that who I am now is a consequence of who I have been. It’s only now with the benefit of the wisdom of life that I feel in any way capable of inhabiting the feminine world. Of course, in the past I’ve envied women and wished that things had been different and I’d been born female but that’s not the same thing as becoming one with the push of a button.
That leaves the present day. I would definitely seriously consider taking a chance and pressing that button but as I suggested above, I’m not sure I would want to occupy my male world as a female even if acceptance was guaranteed. To me, it’s not just becoming a better version of me but being able to inhabit a world that seemed closed to me for so long. Enjoying total tolerance and acceptance from those closest to me is an attractive thought but, horrible as it may sound, I’m not sure that there is room for them in my feminine world.
And, of course, what none of us know is how we’d feel after pressing the button. Would we get the contentment we crave or would we just look at the male world with a tinge of envy? I can see the attraction from your point of view as it gives you all of the positives you fought so hard for and none of the negatives that you’ve touched on in other posts but for those of us straddling the gender divide, the waters are a lot muddier.
Finally, had a quick listen to the audio - your voice sounds amazing! You must be beyond delighted.
This is a better answer than mine, Amanda, and I would much rather have it than an echo. You're right that the thought experiment is rigged in my favour. It removes the cost, and for me the cost was never the question. What you say about who you are now being a consequence of who you've been is the part I can't argue with. I can only speak for my own answer, which came without thinking and never changed. Yours plainly didn't, and that isn't a cop out. It's the same question with muddier water, and I'd say the straddling is harder precisely because you know what you're weighing. Thank you for listening to the audio too. That's kind of you.
It was a different answer but not necessarily better!! We're all individuals and it's as legitimate for you to know that you'd have pressed that button without hesitation every time as it is for me to be hesitant. What's important is that we don't view all of this through rose tinted spectacles and either assume that it will resolve all of the problems in our life or assume that just because we're at various points on the same path, we're destined for the same destination or that blindingly following the person in front will lead us to the right place.
I actually love questions like the one you posed about the button because it does invite introspection and self-challenge. Your button is similar to the pill question - if you could take a pill that would remove all transgender thoughts and give you a normal life in your biological gender would you take it? I already know the answer in your case (!) but I would struggle to decide - I'd give anything to stop the battle raging in my head as I try to deal with this but these days I know that my feminine time, scant though it is, brings me happiness I never thought possible and cannot contemplate relinquishing that.
I guess the question back to you is whether, if you hadn't had the resources to make your transition so spectacularly successful, you'd still have pressed that button?!
Every single fucking time, without any hesitation.
Likewise. No point in my memory would i not press that hard. I can safely say no cis person i know would even think of touching it though. Anytime as a teen that i tried touching the subject they stared at me like I was suggesting eating dog poop for dinner. It showed me i was very different from everyone
Ditto without a doubt or a single hesitation I’d push the button
I used to imagine when I was out running that I had 3 wishes and how I could use them to be me.
i would probably have broken it, i would have smashed it so hard.
and like you, i can’t think of a time when that would not be my immediate choice or reaction.
and nothing would or could have prevented it.
and if i didn’t break it while smashing it, i would have taken a hammer to it so no one could change me back.
As would I Stevie, as would I. Was asked this by a therapist a while back.
Paula, a therapist is a very different place to meet that question from a blog post. I hope it left you with something useful. It's a good one to be asked in a quiet room.
Oh I have wanted to press the button- Effectively now I am!
I’d have pressed it even if it blew everything up. From the time I was 8, I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was always worried that I’d look ridiculous. I was always good looking as a man and I was afraid to give it up. It slowed my transition for years. As I got older and I decided I could compete with a little confidence. I went for it.
"Afraid to give it up" is an honest thing to say, Kelly, and I suspect it is more common than people admit. It is a real thing to be asked to leave behind. I'm glad you went for it, and that the confidence turned up when you needed it.
When you get in your 50s , you have a choice. Age into being a broken down old man or be a cool old trans woman. I chose the latter, and I’m glad I did.
It’s definitely a lot more interesting , and a lot more fun.🤩