This is by far one of your best essays and rings true to my own experience as the wife of a transgender woman. When my husband came out to me my first reaction was "this is over, our marriage is over," and I moved out. And I got onto a dating app - the very same one we met on 18years ago. And at first I enjoyed the likes and the admiration but then I also missed the connection of emotional intimacy I had with my husband, and I realized that connection could not be replaced and ultimately was what drew me back to her. Of course here I am now, a heterosexual woman about to turn 50 who is moderately attractive with a successful career, athletic achievements and a strong social network - on paper I could probably easily find another partner. But I love the person I married and I choose to stay with her, even if it means a radical shift in the relationship.
And yes, statistically speaking, I think you may be quite the outlier there. My deranged little model would probably have given your marriage fairly alarming odds, so the fact that you found your way back to each other is genuinely lovely.
I imagine a lot depends on things I could never properly model: temperament, values, background, the political and social world people live in, and whether love has enough room to change shape without disappearing.
Hats off to you, honestly. I didn’t want my marriage to end the way it did. I hoped we might find some way through it, even if the relationship had to become something different. I certainly didn’t expect the level of acrimony that followed.
So it really does make me glad to hear that sometimes the story can go another way.
When I read your entire substack, I am constantly amazed at how you are nearly identical to my partner, right down to age, career, interests, athletic achievements. There are of course some differences - she was married before she met me, and she is a South African ex-pat who moved to the states 30 years ago for a career in software, but both of you are taking very similar approaches to transition.
Age, career, software, the sport, and by the sound of it the same daft all-or-nothing approach to the whole business. There does seem to be a type, and I am not convinced any of us picked it.
Say hello to her from me. Late transitioners who came up through software appear to be a recognised subspecies at this point.
I’m going through this very process myself right now. Mid 50’s, married for 12 years, and my wife is moving out next week. I’m devastated, and so hopeful (perhaps stupidly so) that her path might follow yours and that she will eventually find her way back to me. The odds are greatly against me that things will go down that way, but like a sad puppy left by the side of the road, I will be waiting for that moment that might never come.
I don't have anything useful to say to the waiting part, except that I'm sorry it's this hard. I hope you find solid ground either way it goes, not just the version you're hoping for.
Feel free to share my substack with her, which I wrote in real time chronicling how things went down in our marriage. I started writing a little over a month after I found out she was transitioning.
This is by far one of your best essays and rings true to my own experience as the wife of a transgender woman. When my husband came out to me my first reaction was "this is over, our marriage is over," and I moved out. And I got onto a dating app - the very same one we met on 18years ago. And at first I enjoyed the likes and the admiration but then I also missed the connection of emotional intimacy I had with my husband, and I realized that connection could not be replaced and ultimately was what drew me back to her. Of course here I am now, a heterosexual woman about to turn 50 who is moderately attractive with a successful career, athletic achievements and a strong social network - on paper I could probably easily find another partner. But I love the person I married and I choose to stay with her, even if it means a radical shift in the relationship.
Thank you, that’s an incredibly kind comment.
And yes, statistically speaking, I think you may be quite the outlier there. My deranged little model would probably have given your marriage fairly alarming odds, so the fact that you found your way back to each other is genuinely lovely.
I imagine a lot depends on things I could never properly model: temperament, values, background, the political and social world people live in, and whether love has enough room to change shape without disappearing.
Hats off to you, honestly. I didn’t want my marriage to end the way it did. I hoped we might find some way through it, even if the relationship had to become something different. I certainly didn’t expect the level of acrimony that followed.
So it really does make me glad to hear that sometimes the story can go another way.
When I read your entire substack, I am constantly amazed at how you are nearly identical to my partner, right down to age, career, interests, athletic achievements. There are of course some differences - she was married before she met me, and she is a South African ex-pat who moved to the states 30 years ago for a career in software, but both of you are taking very similar approaches to transition.
Age, career, software, the sport, and by the sound of it the same daft all-or-nothing approach to the whole business. There does seem to be a type, and I am not convinced any of us picked it.
Say hello to her from me. Late transitioners who came up through software appear to be a recognised subspecies at this point.
I’m going through this very process myself right now. Mid 50’s, married for 12 years, and my wife is moving out next week. I’m devastated, and so hopeful (perhaps stupidly so) that her path might follow yours and that she will eventually find her way back to me. The odds are greatly against me that things will go down that way, but like a sad puppy left by the side of the road, I will be waiting for that moment that might never come.
I don't have anything useful to say to the waiting part, except that I'm sorry it's this hard. I hope you find solid ground either way it goes, not just the version you're hoping for.
Feel free to share my substack with her, which I wrote in real time chronicling how things went down in our marriage. I started writing a little over a month after I found out she was transitioning.
Wise words.
Thank you. Hard won, which seems to be the only way I ever get any.