I think the internet can make anything worse, and mostly does an excellent job of that. On making things better, it’s not so good. I can say that my ongoing transition has dramatically altered my emotions. I no longer suffer from crippling anxiety. I no longer struggle with talking with strangers. I have gone from being a complete introvert who would feel utterly drained after a long conversation with people to someone who feels absolutely energized after talking with strangers. I am finally able to publicly acknowledge that I never understood men, always felt unable to communicate with them, and always had to fight the urge to naturally gravitate towards talking with women simply to preserve the illusion of the façade of maledom that I projected.
But you’re right that transition introduces its own problems. Nothing about transition is a certainty. Can it be engineered into the state that you desire - yes, absolutely it can, within reason. As much as my wife would love it, I’m not going to look like Cindy Crawford. OK, I’d love it as well if I did look like her, but I’m realistic enough to know that that, sadly, is unlikely. And as with you, I am possessed of the willpower, the motivation, the means, and the energy to fast track my transition into a little over a year for all of the major bits. I realize that this is unusual, and I am grateful for my ability to do so, because the notion of remaining in a state of flux for years is anathema to me. Granted there will be some hangover after the fact, and it will be closer to two years in duration before I am truly “done done”, to borrow a phrase.
Which brings me to mental health. Is there an improvement in my mental health since my medical transition began? Yes, an astonishingly big improvement has occurred. In addition to that which I have noted earlier, I no longer get angry when driving and encountering the inevitable person on the road who does not drive in a way that I deem to be fitting, and if you saw how I drive, you would understand. The car offer is still available ;).
In fact, I almost never get angry any more, and I am much more able to express myself emotionally now that I no longer have to fear being regarded quizzically for acting in ways rather uncharacteristic of a male, but there are things that are now a much more significant part of my daily concern, some of them real, and some of them concerning from a distance. The difference is that these are societal and political in nature, rather than existential in nature. As you noted - will I get arrested for going to the “wrong” bathroom? Will I get assaulted for being transgender? Will I be discriminated against in employment because I am transgender? Will I be mocked, scorned in public, and so on?
These are all external stressors, whereas before my transition began, they were all mostly internal stressors. But at the same time, my childhood was rife with trauma, so much so that I have been repeatedly diagnosed with Complex PTSD, and I must necessarily continue working on those issues that remain as triggers for my C-PTSD. So in that regard, transition has not resolved anything other than the intense dysphoria and lack of belonging to myself that I felt. But what it has done is that it, in a remarkably short space of time, has given me the mental freedom, space, and energy to actually finally begin to address those issues. Without transition, not only would I have not been able to address them at all, I would quite simply no longer exist.
"Done done" is doing a lot of work in that sentence, and it's the right amount of work. Two years sounds about right from where I'm sitting too.
The bit that lands hardest is transition not fixing everything, just clearing enough space to finally get at the C-PTSD properly. That's the honest version of what it buys you, and it's a better one than the airbrushed version everyone else is selling.
Your description of being an angry man before transition and a mentally healthier person now is exactly what I have observed with my wife. Pre-transition she lived as if the world was constantly out to get her. She assumed the worst in everyone, or at least all men, governments, people with authority. She was miserable, never satisfied with anything long enough to get true relief. I used to joke that if someone gave her $1 million she would complain about now having to find a way to spend it. She fixated on negativity, on everything going on that was wrong. It was exhausting to be around. Now, she is lighter and happier, but her transition definitely brought with it the same feelings you describe, the uncertainty on physical outcomes, on passing, on the impact of her transition on her personal life. She has moments where she is feeling particularly low and catastrophizes that the future she had envisioned with me will not happen, at least not how she had hoped. And you are right - the forums and groups are similar to experiences that I had when researching side effects of a progesterone IUD to deal with perimenopause. The only people writing online about it are the ones who had bad experiences. Based on what I read, it sounded like I would endure excruciating pain followed by periods that never stopped, when in reality I had the opposite experience. But people like me do not bother to write in those forums or Reddit threads. And you are also right that Instagram only shows the highlight reel, the women you look at and wonder how they ever could possibly have been born with a male body when they look the way they do now. It’s a mindfuck for sure. We need more people like you to share your experiences, your thoughts, and your thought process in particular. So thank you for writing this.
The complaint about being handed a million and then having to find something to do with it, that's a personality type I recognise completely, and it's rarely really about the money.
Forums select for disaster the same way any small print warning does, nobody logs on to say it went fine. Glad she's lighter now. And thank you for staying to watch her get there.
Thank you. It took four goes and about two years of not knowing what the question actually was, so I'm glad it reads as though it arrived in one piece.
Another wonderful essay Stevie. While I am not trans, my acquaintances who are frequently note their appreciation that most of our conversations are not about trans "issues." And it's not that they are unimportant, it's that they are one element of a person, not the whole of a person. True acceptance (not tolerance) of another is seeing the whole person and validating their right to be themselves.
That's Sarah in the essay, more or less. Being transgender as one fact about her rather than the thing the whole of her life has to arrange itself around.
The conversations where it never comes up at all are the ones that tell you where you actually stand. Thank you Nicholas.
One last note: File this away and reprint it. Substack attention/inattention is no indicator of value. It suffers from the same white. male, patriarchal thinking that thinks Ayn Rand is a great writer. Carry on!
Rand getting more shelf space than the trans essay does feel like the same complaint wearing a toga. Four decent pages of hers, still not saying which.
Another interesting essay, thank you! But..... but.... Ayn Rand? Please don't tell me you are still into her. It would shatter all my illusions lol. :)
Heh. I loved Rand back when I was hiding who I was. Figure that is a common area to go - an extreme - plus I enjoyed massive books then. Not quite as embarrassing as the moustache I had around that time as well. Now that is embarrassing in retrospect (so many photos of it...ugh). I could pretend I never cared for Rand (she did raise interesting points, but went too far imo) but those photos are forever.
No kidding. My kids laugh when they see it (had it for my university graduation so I had to see it every time I went to my parents house for decades). Just checked and that photo isn't on any of my posts - it was on my most recent one's v1 but was erased when I simplified it (it was grossly long)
A graduation moustache on the wall of your parents' house for decades is its own small punishment. Sensible to cut it from the post, though I suspect your kids have it backed up somewhere by now.
Oh they know about it and make fun of it. Don't have it up anywhere and I don't think it is online. But my cosplay costume as the Purple Marauder (worn on a bet - I offered to wear any costume someone else brought related to Poison Elves at a Chicago comic book convension) is out there. When it is so bad your own wife hates the sight you know it is bad - picture Dr. Frank-N-Furter but worse with a purple cape. On my way back to the hotel room a kid screamed 'it is Darkwing Duck' from behind me and my friend had to gently let the mother know 'no, it is not Darkwing Duck' - I didn't turn around as I didn't want to scar the poor kid for life.
As to mental health i think being trans puts a lot of pressure on a person in our society which naturally leads to problems. Same as happens to many new mothers (society praising one aspect, but if you don't conform to expectations you are treated like dirt). We must “pass” or be seen as trying to or we're the “bad ones” and if you dont have money, support, enough determination, good genetics you won't pass. I seem to have good genetics mixed with that ability to disassociate which helps enormously in public (if anyone is staring i can turn it off in my mind, extremely useful). Most can't.
You lost family/friends but have the ability to focus laser like on finding solutions to problems while recognizing you cant “fix” people. Too many never figure that out. I have a very logical mind, you seem to as well. Damn useful. Too many don't.
The new mothers comparison is a good one and I hadn't got there myself. Praised for the thing right up until you do it wrong, then dropped.
Your list is the honest version of passing, and it's uncomfortable because most of what's on it is luck or money. Which is roughly why I'd rather talk about social friction. It at least describes what is actually happening to you in the shop, rather than grading you.
And not rambling. That is the essay, arguably better organised.
That is damn sad isn't it? How much in life is pre-determined by factors we cannot control - your height, when you are born, what sex you are assigned at birth, your parents wealth/lack of, where you grow up/are born, what skin color you have, what nation you are born in, and many others. All massive factors in how your life goes that you have zero power over. I joked in a different forum about what helps with transition - money, genetics, money, support, money, determination, money, luck, and money. With enough cash you can, in theory, redo everything about yourself (unless you are very unlucky in genetics and most surgeries cannot be done).
Of course, the rule is to do what you can where you can, and accept what you cannot change. Thank goodness there are people who never accept they cannot change certain things though - that is why we have gender reassignment surgery for example, and many other things that once were seen as impossible.
And yes, I see the point of talking more about social friction than about what you cannot change. I suspect part of my easy transition is the fact I've always been a 'nice person' - few dislike me (at least that I've heard of). If you cause few waves and tend to make others feel good then they remember you fondly and are more likely to accept major changes. Of course, that is why I am not wealthy too (give money too easily to people, let myself get talked into stuff I shouldn't). Sigh, ah well. There are worse fates.
Money, genetics, money, support, money, determination, money, and luck. You've said in one line what takes most people an entire misery memoir.
Being the sort nobody dislikes and giving your money away too easily sound like the same trait wearing two different hats. I wouldn't swap you the ledger, mind. Being liked outlasts being solvent most days.
Both have advantages. Both have issues. I put too much self worth into being liked which is annoying. But we each are who we are at this age (late 50s), no point fighting it.
Excellent. BTW, your voice is amazingly relaxing to listen to here. Damn that surgery/time off worked well.
I get chunks of your story. I was more angry pre transition just like you. I was damn lucky though, as I've told you kids, family, friends, neighbors all onside with few exceptions. My kids tell me they are so happy with how I've changed.
The 2 trans groups I spend time at online are a massive spread of people. From 19 year olds to 75 year olds. People locked in their homes scared to go out, others who live wild. It is amazing to be part of. I love being around varieties of people. Thus it works.
The bit about dealing with being judged is so true. Takes internal strength to ignore it, or to endure it. I use the fact most are 100% focused on their own lives. They might see me and go "weirdo" but that'll be it. More is ego.
Money and determination are big. I have enough of both, mixed with an ability to believe things will work out. That might be delusional but it works for me.
Two months in and still shoving it out by force, so relaxing was not the word I was braced for. That was the first voiceover I've done in my own voice and I nearly bottled it.
Your groups sound like the one I walked into. Nineteen to seventy five, some of them frightened to leave the house and some of them out living wild, all in the same room. That is what happens when the only filter is the one thing.
And you're right that most people are entirely taken up with themselves. It is the most useful fact about strangers there is.
I think the internet can make anything worse, and mostly does an excellent job of that. On making things better, it’s not so good. I can say that my ongoing transition has dramatically altered my emotions. I no longer suffer from crippling anxiety. I no longer struggle with talking with strangers. I have gone from being a complete introvert who would feel utterly drained after a long conversation with people to someone who feels absolutely energized after talking with strangers. I am finally able to publicly acknowledge that I never understood men, always felt unable to communicate with them, and always had to fight the urge to naturally gravitate towards talking with women simply to preserve the illusion of the façade of maledom that I projected.
But you’re right that transition introduces its own problems. Nothing about transition is a certainty. Can it be engineered into the state that you desire - yes, absolutely it can, within reason. As much as my wife would love it, I’m not going to look like Cindy Crawford. OK, I’d love it as well if I did look like her, but I’m realistic enough to know that that, sadly, is unlikely. And as with you, I am possessed of the willpower, the motivation, the means, and the energy to fast track my transition into a little over a year for all of the major bits. I realize that this is unusual, and I am grateful for my ability to do so, because the notion of remaining in a state of flux for years is anathema to me. Granted there will be some hangover after the fact, and it will be closer to two years in duration before I am truly “done done”, to borrow a phrase.
Which brings me to mental health. Is there an improvement in my mental health since my medical transition began? Yes, an astonishingly big improvement has occurred. In addition to that which I have noted earlier, I no longer get angry when driving and encountering the inevitable person on the road who does not drive in a way that I deem to be fitting, and if you saw how I drive, you would understand. The car offer is still available ;).
In fact, I almost never get angry any more, and I am much more able to express myself emotionally now that I no longer have to fear being regarded quizzically for acting in ways rather uncharacteristic of a male, but there are things that are now a much more significant part of my daily concern, some of them real, and some of them concerning from a distance. The difference is that these are societal and political in nature, rather than existential in nature. As you noted - will I get arrested for going to the “wrong” bathroom? Will I get assaulted for being transgender? Will I be discriminated against in employment because I am transgender? Will I be mocked, scorned in public, and so on?
These are all external stressors, whereas before my transition began, they were all mostly internal stressors. But at the same time, my childhood was rife with trauma, so much so that I have been repeatedly diagnosed with Complex PTSD, and I must necessarily continue working on those issues that remain as triggers for my C-PTSD. So in that regard, transition has not resolved anything other than the intense dysphoria and lack of belonging to myself that I felt. But what it has done is that it, in a remarkably short space of time, has given me the mental freedom, space, and energy to actually finally begin to address those issues. Without transition, not only would I have not been able to address them at all, I would quite simply no longer exist.
And that, my friend, is the biggest win of all.
"Done done" is doing a lot of work in that sentence, and it's the right amount of work. Two years sounds about right from where I'm sitting too.
The bit that lands hardest is transition not fixing everything, just clearing enough space to finally get at the C-PTSD properly. That's the honest version of what it buys you, and it's a better one than the airbrushed version everyone else is selling.
Your description of being an angry man before transition and a mentally healthier person now is exactly what I have observed with my wife. Pre-transition she lived as if the world was constantly out to get her. She assumed the worst in everyone, or at least all men, governments, people with authority. She was miserable, never satisfied with anything long enough to get true relief. I used to joke that if someone gave her $1 million she would complain about now having to find a way to spend it. She fixated on negativity, on everything going on that was wrong. It was exhausting to be around. Now, she is lighter and happier, but her transition definitely brought with it the same feelings you describe, the uncertainty on physical outcomes, on passing, on the impact of her transition on her personal life. She has moments where she is feeling particularly low and catastrophizes that the future she had envisioned with me will not happen, at least not how she had hoped. And you are right - the forums and groups are similar to experiences that I had when researching side effects of a progesterone IUD to deal with perimenopause. The only people writing online about it are the ones who had bad experiences. Based on what I read, it sounded like I would endure excruciating pain followed by periods that never stopped, when in reality I had the opposite experience. But people like me do not bother to write in those forums or Reddit threads. And you are also right that Instagram only shows the highlight reel, the women you look at and wonder how they ever could possibly have been born with a male body when they look the way they do now. It’s a mindfuck for sure. We need more people like you to share your experiences, your thoughts, and your thought process in particular. So thank you for writing this.
The complaint about being handed a million and then having to find something to do with it, that's a personality type I recognise completely, and it's rarely really about the money.
Forums select for disaster the same way any small print warning does, nobody logs on to say it went fine. Glad she's lighter now. And thank you for staying to watch her get there.
This is a thoughtful, beautifully crafted piece of writing that deserves a wide audience.
Thank you. It took four goes and about two years of not knowing what the question actually was, so I'm glad it reads as though it arrived in one piece.
❤️
Thank you. It's an odd thing to be thanked for, eventually working out what the question was, but I'll take it.
Another wonderful essay Stevie. While I am not trans, my acquaintances who are frequently note their appreciation that most of our conversations are not about trans "issues." And it's not that they are unimportant, it's that they are one element of a person, not the whole of a person. True acceptance (not tolerance) of another is seeing the whole person and validating their right to be themselves.
That's Sarah in the essay, more or less. Being transgender as one fact about her rather than the thing the whole of her life has to arrange itself around.
The conversations where it never comes up at all are the ones that tell you where you actually stand. Thank you Nicholas.
One last note: File this away and reprint it. Substack attention/inattention is no indicator of value. It suffers from the same white. male, patriarchal thinking that thinks Ayn Rand is a great writer. Carry on!
Filed.
Rand getting more shelf space than the trans essay does feel like the same complaint wearing a toga. Four decent pages of hers, still not saying which.
Fascinated by her, but I think her philosophy essentially takes Nietzsche and weaves into a brilliantly conceived pathology.
That tracks. Nietzsche wanted the ubermensch, free of the herd's morality. She wanted the same man, but incorporated, with a mortgage on the results.
Another interesting essay, thank you! But..... but.... Ayn Rand? Please don't tell me you are still into her. It would shatter all my illusions lol. :)
Your illusions are safe. She went out with the anger, the Bitcoin libertarianism and most of the rest of him.
I'd still defend about four pages of it, and I'm not telling you which four.
Lol. I wouldn't know which four pages anyway having never read anything of hers. Just know a bit about her is all.
Honestly that's the efficient route. Four decent pages out of about a thousand, and the maths on that is not good.
Heh. I loved Rand back when I was hiding who I was. Figure that is a common area to go - an extreme - plus I enjoyed massive books then. Not quite as embarrassing as the moustache I had around that time as well. Now that is embarrassing in retrospect (so many photos of it...ugh). I could pretend I never cared for Rand (she did raise interesting points, but went too far imo) but those photos are forever.
The moustache is the bit that would finish me. There is no version of that photograph that improves with time.
No kidding. My kids laugh when they see it (had it for my university graduation so I had to see it every time I went to my parents house for decades). Just checked and that photo isn't on any of my posts - it was on my most recent one's v1 but was erased when I simplified it (it was grossly long)
A graduation moustache on the wall of your parents' house for decades is its own small punishment. Sensible to cut it from the post, though I suspect your kids have it backed up somewhere by now.
Oh they know about it and make fun of it. Don't have it up anywhere and I don't think it is online. But my cosplay costume as the Purple Marauder (worn on a bet - I offered to wear any costume someone else brought related to Poison Elves at a Chicago comic book convension) is out there. When it is so bad your own wife hates the sight you know it is bad - picture Dr. Frank-N-Furter but worse with a purple cape. On my way back to the hotel room a kid screamed 'it is Darkwing Duck' from behind me and my friend had to gently let the mother know 'no, it is not Darkwing Duck' - I didn't turn around as I didn't want to scar the poor kid for life.
Even your own wife hating it is the real twist, not the kid shouting Darkwing Duck. Your friend probably saved that child's entire personality.
As to mental health i think being trans puts a lot of pressure on a person in our society which naturally leads to problems. Same as happens to many new mothers (society praising one aspect, but if you don't conform to expectations you are treated like dirt). We must “pass” or be seen as trying to or we're the “bad ones” and if you dont have money, support, enough determination, good genetics you won't pass. I seem to have good genetics mixed with that ability to disassociate which helps enormously in public (if anyone is staring i can turn it off in my mind, extremely useful). Most can't.
You lost family/friends but have the ability to focus laser like on finding solutions to problems while recognizing you cant “fix” people. Too many never figure that out. I have a very logical mind, you seem to as well. Damn useful. Too many don't.
Damn. I'm rambling. Time to stop.
The new mothers comparison is a good one and I hadn't got there myself. Praised for the thing right up until you do it wrong, then dropped.
Your list is the honest version of passing, and it's uncomfortable because most of what's on it is luck or money. Which is roughly why I'd rather talk about social friction. It at least describes what is actually happening to you in the shop, rather than grading you.
And not rambling. That is the essay, arguably better organised.
That is damn sad isn't it? How much in life is pre-determined by factors we cannot control - your height, when you are born, what sex you are assigned at birth, your parents wealth/lack of, where you grow up/are born, what skin color you have, what nation you are born in, and many others. All massive factors in how your life goes that you have zero power over. I joked in a different forum about what helps with transition - money, genetics, money, support, money, determination, money, luck, and money. With enough cash you can, in theory, redo everything about yourself (unless you are very unlucky in genetics and most surgeries cannot be done).
Of course, the rule is to do what you can where you can, and accept what you cannot change. Thank goodness there are people who never accept they cannot change certain things though - that is why we have gender reassignment surgery for example, and many other things that once were seen as impossible.
And yes, I see the point of talking more about social friction than about what you cannot change. I suspect part of my easy transition is the fact I've always been a 'nice person' - few dislike me (at least that I've heard of). If you cause few waves and tend to make others feel good then they remember you fondly and are more likely to accept major changes. Of course, that is why I am not wealthy too (give money too easily to people, let myself get talked into stuff I shouldn't). Sigh, ah well. There are worse fates.
Money, genetics, money, support, money, determination, money, and luck. You've said in one line what takes most people an entire misery memoir.
Being the sort nobody dislikes and giving your money away too easily sound like the same trait wearing two different hats. I wouldn't swap you the ledger, mind. Being liked outlasts being solvent most days.
Both have advantages. Both have issues. I put too much self worth into being liked which is annoying. But we each are who we are at this age (late 50s), no point fighting it.
Wanting to be liked isn't the embarrassing part, it's just expensive. Took me a while to work that out too, and I'm not sure I have, not fully.
Excellent. BTW, your voice is amazingly relaxing to listen to here. Damn that surgery/time off worked well.
I get chunks of your story. I was more angry pre transition just like you. I was damn lucky though, as I've told you kids, family, friends, neighbors all onside with few exceptions. My kids tell me they are so happy with how I've changed.
The 2 trans groups I spend time at online are a massive spread of people. From 19 year olds to 75 year olds. People locked in their homes scared to go out, others who live wild. It is amazing to be part of. I love being around varieties of people. Thus it works.
The bit about dealing with being judged is so true. Takes internal strength to ignore it, or to endure it. I use the fact most are 100% focused on their own lives. They might see me and go "weirdo" but that'll be it. More is ego.
Money and determination are big. I have enough of both, mixed with an ability to believe things will work out. That might be delusional but it works for me.
Two months in and still shoving it out by force, so relaxing was not the word I was braced for. That was the first voiceover I've done in my own voice and I nearly bottled it.
Your groups sound like the one I walked into. Nineteen to seventy five, some of them frightened to leave the house and some of them out living wild, all in the same room. That is what happens when the only filter is the one thing.
And you're right that most people are entirely taken up with themselves. It is the most useful fact about strangers there is.