This is a message to all the men out there who spend half their lives fixating on how much they dislike transgender people. Come on in boys. I can see straight through you.
I'll start off by saying how much I love your posts. You look fantastic and your joy in blossoming into the person you've become is infectious.
Whilst TERF is not a term I particularly like, I know exactly where you're coming from here and as far as I'm concerned, your opening paragraphs are spot on. As you rightly question - if the idea of transgenderism is so abhorrent to these people, why do they keep coming back? Surely if the very thought of 'perverted mutilated eunuchs' so disgusts these people, they'd want to steer as wide a berth as possible.
A few years ago, I watched a documentary about the various facets of transgenderism and one section has stuck with me. Research was undertaken to understand homophobia and two groups were compared - one formed of self-confessed homophobes and the other 'metrosexuals'. Strain gauges were attached to each of the individuals 'downstairs' and they were then shown gay porn. No prizes for guessing which group had the higher levels of reaction to what they were seeing! So I think you're absolutely right - we're dealing with people in denial desperately trying to deal with it through the persecution of others.
Another characteristic here is the conflation of issues affecting trans people with their very right to exist. It's possible to be 100% supportive of trans people whilst having concerns about, for example, their inclusion in women's sports. That, and similar issues, should be a platform for debate, not a springboard for hatred.
In the end, I suspect that these sort of people will end up 'outing' themselves. There's only a certain number of times that they'll be able to rant about these issues before someone close to them comes to the same conclusions that we do.
I'm not mad on the word either. I use it because it is the one everybody recognises, and because it describes a position rather than a whole person. If somebody hands me a better one I'll use that instead.
And yes, the coming back is the tell. Nobody spends their evenings reading about a thing they genuinely find repulsive.
Love it! I've wondered that about the lurkers who come around and keep going 'get your prostate exam' and stuff like that. I mean, c'mon, any mtf knows that is an issue to be kept an eye on, duh. That is as weak of a comeback as possible imo. These people see how happy we are post-transition, even those who lost nearly everything like you. People like me must really drive them nuts - everyone, everything that mattered to me is still here with few exceptions. So I'm the scariest thing to those who refuse to accept themselves - proof it is possible to do it without losing everything. You are the other scary extreme - you can lose nearly everything and be happier than before.
Meanwhile these poor souls are reading this and getting madder and madder - they want to tear down our happiness. But they can't. Sure, in some nations (USA, UK) they are removing rights as fast as they can, but lets be real - unless they start doing DNA tests at the door no one is stopping you from using the women's room. I'm in Canada where the anti-trans nutbars are mostly at bay still, as it is seen as a USA thing thus if you are a real Canadian you will be pro-trans just to piss them off (you'd be shocked how well that works here).
Are most of the male TERFs really trans? Probably not, but many I have to think are, secretly, maybe even from themselves. So to any of you reading, please go to therapy and examine yourself - once you move forward your life is so much better. Take it from a very happy Canadian.
The prostate line is the one that gives it away. It isn't an argument, it's a reminder, and they only reach for it once they've run out of everything else.
You're right about the happy ones bothering them most. Mine cost me nearly everybody, which at least hands them something to point at. You kept your lot, so there's nothing to point at at all.
Undergirding is a good word for it. They treat gender like one wall they can kick, and it's a whole house, most of it underground. I lived in mine for about a decade before I'd even go down and look at the foundations.
The fact that these people have nothing more constructive to do with their time displays the fact that of how shallow and uneducated one can become when you don’t have a life purpose. Instead of taking the time to a actually read, learn, and examine the facts, they just consume what’s been spoon fed to them and are satisfied with that intellectually anemic diet of information. They don’t know enough to properly defend what they believe, so the only thing they are able to accomplish is to attack what they don‘t know. A pathetic existence when you don’t know how to pressure test your beliefs in the laboratory of life. We in the trans community don’t just live our truth, we actually see the truth.
I agree with your take on uneducated, although I mean it in the context of one can be educated to a narrow mindset based narrative facts that on versus those who educate themselves more broadly
I think you’re right. Because people in denial about who they are hate to see people who are like them, but are actually living their lives authentically. It puts stress on their scaffolding of denial. Before I finally was able to tear it all down and come out, I was always fascinated by gender bendy types. Think David Bowie and Annie Lenox. But actual transgender women made me intensely uncomfortable. I just couldn’t look. In my field of engineering, there weren’t many women, but there was one person who transitioned. She came out. And was accepted. She had her own company. We moved in the same professional circles. But I avoided her. Because she just made me so uncomfortable. I wasn’t being terfy about it. I never criticized her. I don’t think I ever talked about her at all. Sigh. Another missed opportunity. I came out when I was ready.
Thank you. I spent months in therapy at the beginning ranting about why I took so long. And my therapist just let me spill it out. Then at one point she asked: If you had come out twenty years earlier, would you have been safe? That just stopped me. And I thought for a few minutes. My reply: Well, twenty years ago I was working for a defense contractor. Had I come out then, I would’ve almost certainly have been fired. And if by some miracle, I weren’t, I would have been socially ostracized. And I would have had no medical coverage for any gender affirming care. So she says: So you waited until it was safe and then you came out. Yes, I did.
I left Twitter because of those twats - shame their hounding you on Substack.
And of course, your totally right. So many people with internalised transphobia go hyper-male, hyper-antitrans - 'oh no, I don't want anyone to suspect me so if I cat like an eejit then no-one will'
The problem is, IYKYK, and we just sit there stoking our cats and thinking to ourselves - awww bless sweetie, you'll be so much happier when you come out.
Reaction formation is the tidy word for it. I'd only say that all of them is doing a great deal of work in that sentence. Some of them simply hate us, and that is its own separate thing.
I've been saying this for years, those social media posts and topics wouldn't be showing up in your feed if you weren't engaging with them and showing interest. They just don't seem to get it, I don't think sub stack works the same way but, the reality is, most of them are self-hating closeted gender diverse people who see something they wish they were brave enough to engage in but feel trapped in their existing patriarchy. So instead they target and attack that which they can't have, because if they can't have it nobody should.
Or, they are queer questioning, but unwilling to admit it, it's like the little boy in grade school who tugs on the girls pigtails because he secretly likes her, but to her he's just a bully that picks on her all the time.
The feed part is the bit they can't answer. Nobody is force feeding me to them. They went and found me, and then they stayed for the comments.
I'd be careful with the second half, though. Some of them are exactly what you describe. Some are just angry and have found a cause that lets them be. I'd rather argue with the claim than guess at the man.
Yeah, I'm overly cautious as well, it's just weird to me that they can't see it themselves, and I guess to a certain extent that's just logic that maybe you have to be in a real divergent to recognize, since there is a preponderance of trans people who are neurodivergent?
I'll start off by saying how much I love your posts. You look fantastic and your joy in blossoming into the person you've become is infectious.
Whilst TERF is not a term I particularly like, I know exactly where you're coming from here and as far as I'm concerned, your opening paragraphs are spot on. As you rightly question - if the idea of transgenderism is so abhorrent to these people, why do they keep coming back? Surely if the very thought of 'perverted mutilated eunuchs' so disgusts these people, they'd want to steer as wide a berth as possible.
A few years ago, I watched a documentary about the various facets of transgenderism and one section has stuck with me. Research was undertaken to understand homophobia and two groups were compared - one formed of self-confessed homophobes and the other 'metrosexuals'. Strain gauges were attached to each of the individuals 'downstairs' and they were then shown gay porn. No prizes for guessing which group had the higher levels of reaction to what they were seeing! So I think you're absolutely right - we're dealing with people in denial desperately trying to deal with it through the persecution of others.
Another characteristic here is the conflation of issues affecting trans people with their very right to exist. It's possible to be 100% supportive of trans people whilst having concerns about, for example, their inclusion in women's sports. That, and similar issues, should be a platform for debate, not a springboard for hatred.
In the end, I suspect that these sort of people will end up 'outing' themselves. There's only a certain number of times that they'll be able to rant about these issues before someone close to them comes to the same conclusions that we do.
Thank you, that's kind.
I'm not mad on the word either. I use it because it is the one everybody recognises, and because it describes a position rather than a whole person. If somebody hands me a better one I'll use that instead.
And yes, the coming back is the tell. Nobody spends their evenings reading about a thing they genuinely find repulsive.
Love it! I've wondered that about the lurkers who come around and keep going 'get your prostate exam' and stuff like that. I mean, c'mon, any mtf knows that is an issue to be kept an eye on, duh. That is as weak of a comeback as possible imo. These people see how happy we are post-transition, even those who lost nearly everything like you. People like me must really drive them nuts - everyone, everything that mattered to me is still here with few exceptions. So I'm the scariest thing to those who refuse to accept themselves - proof it is possible to do it without losing everything. You are the other scary extreme - you can lose nearly everything and be happier than before.
Meanwhile these poor souls are reading this and getting madder and madder - they want to tear down our happiness. But they can't. Sure, in some nations (USA, UK) they are removing rights as fast as they can, but lets be real - unless they start doing DNA tests at the door no one is stopping you from using the women's room. I'm in Canada where the anti-trans nutbars are mostly at bay still, as it is seen as a USA thing thus if you are a real Canadian you will be pro-trans just to piss them off (you'd be shocked how well that works here).
Are most of the male TERFs really trans? Probably not, but many I have to think are, secretly, maybe even from themselves. So to any of you reading, please go to therapy and examine yourself - once you move forward your life is so much better. Take it from a very happy Canadian.
The prostate line is the one that gives it away. It isn't an argument, it's a reminder, and they only reach for it once they've run out of everything else.
You're right about the happy ones bothering them most. Mine cost me nearly everybody, which at least hands them something to point at. You kept your lot, so there's nothing to point at at all.
Heh. One or two blown fuses incoming I feel. :)
Almost certainly. I've put the kettle on.
That's it exactly. You can be very well educated inside a very small room. Reading broadly is the bit that takes effort, and it's the bit they skip.
Undergirding is a good word for it. They treat gender like one wall they can kick, and it's a whole house, most of it underground. I lived in mine for about a decade before I'd even go down and look at the foundations.
That's a very good therapist. One question and months of ranting just falls over.
Waiting until it was safe isn't taking too long. It's how you got here in one piece.
Maybe. I'm wary of that one, mostly because I can't prove it and they'd love to hear it.
What I do know is it took me most of my life to see it in myself. So I'm not in a great position to lecture anyone on how obvious it should have been.
The fact that these people have nothing more constructive to do with their time displays the fact that of how shallow and uneducated one can become when you don’t have a life purpose. Instead of taking the time to a actually read, learn, and examine the facts, they just consume what’s been spoon fed to them and are satisfied with that intellectually anemic diet of information. They don’t know enough to properly defend what they believe, so the only thing they are able to accomplish is to attack what they don‘t know. A pathetic existence when you don’t know how to pressure test your beliefs in the laboratory of life. We in the trans community don’t just live our truth, we actually see the truth.
Intellectually anaemic diet is a very good phrase and I am stealing it.
The word I'd push back on is uneducated. Some of the worst of them are extremely well read. They have just decided in advance what the reading is for.
I agree with your take on uneducated, although I mean it in the context of one can be educated to a narrow mindset based narrative facts that on versus those who educate themselves more broadly
I think you’re right. Because people in denial about who they are hate to see people who are like them, but are actually living their lives authentically. It puts stress on their scaffolding of denial. Before I finally was able to tear it all down and come out, I was always fascinated by gender bendy types. Think David Bowie and Annie Lenox. But actual transgender women made me intensely uncomfortable. I just couldn’t look. In my field of engineering, there weren’t many women, but there was one person who transitioned. She came out. And was accepted. She had her own company. We moved in the same professional circles. But I avoided her. Because she just made me so uncomfortable. I wasn’t being terfy about it. I never criticized her. I don’t think I ever talked about her at all. Sigh. Another missed opportunity. I came out when I was ready.
That's the most honest version of it I've read, and it's the bit nobody admits to. It wasn't hatred. It was not being able to look.
I write software, so I know exactly the rooms you mean. I said nothing in them for fifty years.
You came out when you were ready. There isn't another timetable.
Thank you. I spent months in therapy at the beginning ranting about why I took so long. And my therapist just let me spill it out. Then at one point she asked: If you had come out twenty years earlier, would you have been safe? That just stopped me. And I thought for a few minutes. My reply: Well, twenty years ago I was working for a defense contractor. Had I come out then, I would’ve almost certainly have been fired. And if by some miracle, I weren’t, I would have been socially ostracized. And I would have had no medical coverage for any gender affirming care. So she says: So you waited until it was safe and then you came out. Yes, I did.
I left Twitter because of those twats - shame their hounding you on Substack.
And of course, your totally right. So many people with internalised transphobia go hyper-male, hyper-antitrans - 'oh no, I don't want anyone to suspect me so if I cat like an eejit then no-one will'
The problem is, IYKYK, and we just sit there stoking our cats and thinking to ourselves - awww bless sweetie, you'll be so much happier when you come out.
Same here in the end. I spent months arguing on there and finally worked out I was the only one paying for the petrol.
And the cat stroking is exactly right. Nothing winds them up like not being argued with.
One hundred percent they’re all having reaction formations to us. There’s a fine line between wanting to fuck and kill, it seems
Reaction formation is the tidy word for it. I'd only say that all of them is doing a great deal of work in that sentence. Some of them simply hate us, and that is its own separate thing.
What they are not thinking about too is the complex undergirding of gender.
I've been saying this for years, those social media posts and topics wouldn't be showing up in your feed if you weren't engaging with them and showing interest. They just don't seem to get it, I don't think sub stack works the same way but, the reality is, most of them are self-hating closeted gender diverse people who see something they wish they were brave enough to engage in but feel trapped in their existing patriarchy. So instead they target and attack that which they can't have, because if they can't have it nobody should.
Or, they are queer questioning, but unwilling to admit it, it's like the little boy in grade school who tugs on the girls pigtails because he secretly likes her, but to her he's just a bully that picks on her all the time.
The feed part is the bit they can't answer. Nobody is force feeding me to them. They went and found me, and then they stayed for the comments.
I'd be careful with the second half, though. Some of them are exactly what you describe. Some are just angry and have found a cause that lets them be. I'd rather argue with the claim than guess at the man.
Yeah, I'm overly cautious as well, it's just weird to me that they can't see it themselves, and I guess to a certain extent that's just logic that maybe you have to be in a real divergent to recognize, since there is a preponderance of trans people who are neurodivergent?