I also said "eunuch" which I don't think is anything to write home about. And my comments are less about you and more about the many other guys -- transwomen -- who are also sailing under false flags. Or trying to.
And LOOKING feminine isn't the whole ballgame. Apropos of which, an old Quillette post by transwoman Deirdre McCloskey which describes his foray into the dating game and his rejection by his male dates:
DM: My problem was that I always told the men the next day, and they never came back. The life coach replied to my email saying, “Oh, that’s why I didn’t find you attractive.” Well, thanks.
You've gone and picked an example that argues against you, which is the part worth pointing out.
The claim is that we sail under false flags. The evidence is a woman who told every one of her dates, the next morning, unprompted, and lost them for it. That is the opposite of a false flag. It is more disclosure than anybody could reasonably ask for, and it cost her precisely what concealment would have cost her. If deception is the objection, she is your counterexample, not your exhibit.
What it does show is that those men didn't want to date a trans woman. They are entitled to that, and I've never said otherwise. Nobody is owed a date. But a preference about who you'll go to bed with isn't a false flag, it's a preference, and the two only look alike if you'd already decided which one you were looking at.
Eunuch I'll leave with you. It isn't a claim, so there's nothing in it to answer.
I've not opened the link, by the way. Nothing personal, I don't open them.
"Deirdre" was sailing under a false flag on his date. Then came clean the morning after.
Reminds me that I had once consorted with someone I had taken to be a she, but who, when the chips were down and we were several rounds into the "Main Event" turned out to be a he. Crying Game, Part Deux. Kind of amused by it, but many other guys in the same situation as I was are often rather less so.
Transwoman Blaire White had a YouTube video talking about the hazards of that "dating ploy", apparently rather common among your tribe:
You had your inspirations, guess what? You are one of mine. I'll never do 90% of your surgeries (can't afford it for one thing). But I love your thought process. I want to write up my path now.
Mine morphed into a life story about four times before I gave up being clever and just put things in the order they happened. That's the only thing that fixed it. Keep going.
Gradually is what most of us actually do, whatever a guide implies about the order. Mine kept rearranging itself around money and whichever thing had turned urgent, which is closer to normal than any tidy plan I started with. The only real cost of doing it in pieces is patience. You'll need that regardless of the order you pick.
I'm an all or nothing person, jump in with both feet in the deep end. Came out to everyone over 2 days, started laser hair removal a week later, joined a trans fitness group within weeks, etc. Most do it like you said, pieces at a time. Whatever works for each of us. If I had a lot of cash I might have been knee deep in surgeries already. But I'm a single mom with 3 at home so cash is at a premium.
Both feet in the deep end works for some of us and falls apart for others, and there's no wrong answer between you and S-ka here. Three kids and cash at a premium is its own full time expense before any of this gets added on top. Whatever order you get there in counts exactly the same at the end.
I just finished reading your article about all of the surgeries. I transitioned over 30 years ago and went through many if not all of what you experienced. Emotionally at the time it was difficult to process. Looking back I can't believe it was even possible. Your comment about the word transgender continually floating around in your brain touched me. For me that thought completely disappeared about two years after my last surgery, but has recently returned. Maybe it's because as we age there are events we can't control, or maybe we realize we are literally running out of time to fully live our lives.
My transition saved my life and the people around me who helped and still love me, I will be eternally grateful for.
Karin, that’s a generous thing to write, and it means more coming from someone who did this long before me. I hadn’t heard that the word can fade for a couple of years and then come back. I’d assumed it would only fade from here. I wrote that I don’t want it to remain the organising principle of my life, and your point about time is a fair reason it might keep knocking.
I’m glad your transition saved your life, and glad the people around you stayed. Rock on right back.
This is such a valuable tool! I’m planning out my own transition now and while it will certainly look different from yours, I think we approach things from a similar project management lens. Separately, is it possible for you to link to the other pieces about your surgeries where you reference them in this essay?
Hope you are well. So you have made it to the Transgender hall of fame known as "Heroines of My Life" well done love. You f**ing deserve that! As I have said before your one of my inspirations and a shining light on my chosen path. Thanks for writing this and thanks for the advice. Best wishes Paula
Thank you Paula, that's very kind of you. It still feels faintly ridiculous to be going on that site, given I used to sit and read it wondering whether any of it was actually possible for someone my age. Turns out it was. Best of luck with yours.
My wife had the rib surgery the same day you had voice surgery. I can highly recommend her surgeon here in the Boston area - she is ecstatic with her results.
Thank you. And the results have blown me away. Recovery from it is a bitch - not because of pain or anything, but because of having to wear a waist cincher + corset + compression garment 24x7 for 3 months. My surgeon was incredible. Highly recommended.
Also - far too many other parallels: software professional, late 50s, fast tracking like there's no tomorrow (because without this there wouldn't have been). Different order to you, but equal intensity.
Also, and you know I have to ask this - Is that a Ford GT in the top picture? Is it yours? Do you still have it? Can I come over and drive it????? :)
Three months in a corset is the bit that doesn't make it into the before and after photos. Noted, and slightly dreaded. I'm speaking to someone in Poland on the 9th of October.
Software, late fifties, and running the whole thing at a sprint. Give or take a few operations, we may have been separated at birth.
Fantastic on the Poland consult! I understand the complete reluctance to come to the USA, so it’s really great to see this is available elsewhere. The exact technique may differ, but you can get a glimpse of it at https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dbdp-M2RzPI - be sure to turn your volume up to get the sound effects. Older techniques would insert a titanium plate into your body and screw them to the ribs that had been fractured. Newer techniques no longer do this. And I suspect that there are different recovery protocols as a result. But nobody ever talks about that messy bit in the middle.
Hmm, sprint per procedure? Epic or portfolio feature for the whole project? Do we break each procedure down into tasks like “investigation”, “surgeon selection”, “consultation”, “pre-op physical”, “surgery”, “recovery”, “mid-recovery checkin”, “user acceptance”?
So it is a Ford GT then? I’ll trade you a ride in my modified 911? 😜
Not a world I have experience of, but a fascinating read. It sounds like a lot of sacrifice, but worthwhile, and you are very brave to share it with the world.
Thanks Christian. It reads like sacrifice written down in a list, which is a bit of a trick of the format. Living it, most of it was admin and recovery and being bored on a sofa.
“Transition” to what? A somewhat feminine looking sexless eunuch?
Though, why? Inquiring minds and all that.
Somewhat feminine looking, you say. I'll take it, and I'd point out you got there entirely on your own.
Nine comments now, across three posts, all of them about me. At some point that stops being an objection and starts being a crush.
Kiss kiss. 💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋
I also said "eunuch" which I don't think is anything to write home about. And my comments are less about you and more about the many other guys -- transwomen -- who are also sailing under false flags. Or trying to.
And LOOKING feminine isn't the whole ballgame. Apropos of which, an old Quillette post by transwoman Deirdre McCloskey which describes his foray into the dating game and his rejection by his male dates:
DM: My problem was that I always told the men the next day, and they never came back. The life coach replied to my email saying, “Oh, that’s why I didn’t find you attractive.” Well, thanks.
https://archive.ph/2020.01.24-132505/https:/quillette.com/2019/11/10/reflections-on-my-decision-to-change-gender/
"Wrong" or incompatible pheromones, I guess.
You've gone and picked an example that argues against you, which is the part worth pointing out.
The claim is that we sail under false flags. The evidence is a woman who told every one of her dates, the next morning, unprompted, and lost them for it. That is the opposite of a false flag. It is more disclosure than anybody could reasonably ask for, and it cost her precisely what concealment would have cost her. If deception is the objection, she is your counterexample, not your exhibit.
What it does show is that those men didn't want to date a trans woman. They are entitled to that, and I've never said otherwise. Nobody is owed a date. But a preference about who you'll go to bed with isn't a false flag, it's a preference, and the two only look alike if you'd already decided which one you were looking at.
Eunuch I'll leave with you. It isn't a claim, so there's nothing in it to answer.
I've not opened the link, by the way. Nothing personal, I don't open them.
"Deirdre" was sailing under a false flag on his date. Then came clean the morning after.
Reminds me that I had once consorted with someone I had taken to be a she, but who, when the chips were down and we were several rounds into the "Main Event" turned out to be a he. Crying Game, Part Deux. Kind of amused by it, but many other guys in the same situation as I was are often rather less so.
Transwoman Blaire White had a YouTube video talking about the hazards of that "dating ploy", apparently rather common among your tribe:
YouTube: Trans People Being Dishonest On Dates
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wve1coCbSNw
As for not opening links, "don't confuse me with facts, my mind is made up"?
You had your inspirations, guess what? You are one of mine. I'll never do 90% of your surgeries (can't afford it for one thing). But I love your thought process. I want to write up my path now.
Do write it up. The 90% you're not doing is as much a part of the map as the bits I did, and there's almost nobody publishing that version.
Started on it, but it morphed into a life story so I need lots of editing now, and to put more of a timeline there. It is fun writing though.
Mine morphed into a life story about four times before I gave up being clever and just put things in the order they happened. That's the only thing that fixed it. Keep going.
Well, it is up now. Yikes.
Same (affordless), I feel like asking if taking time to deal with each tiny section gradually over years is still ok or may get in the way of life?
(Eg body hair by sections, electrolysis, main bottom and fat/skin procedures, then either face or makeup+presentation in either order)
Gradually is what most of us actually do, whatever a guide implies about the order. Mine kept rearranging itself around money and whichever thing had turned urgent, which is closer to normal than any tidy plan I started with. The only real cost of doing it in pieces is patience. You'll need that regardless of the order you pick.
I'm an all or nothing person, jump in with both feet in the deep end. Came out to everyone over 2 days, started laser hair removal a week later, joined a trans fitness group within weeks, etc. Most do it like you said, pieces at a time. Whatever works for each of us. If I had a lot of cash I might have been knee deep in surgeries already. But I'm a single mom with 3 at home so cash is at a premium.
Both feet in the deep end works for some of us and falls apart for others, and there's no wrong answer between you and S-ka here. Three kids and cash at a premium is its own full time expense before any of this gets added on top. Whatever order you get there in counts exactly the same at the end.
Oh I love this. My story is very different. I have to write mine up!
Please do. Mine's one route through, not the route. The more of them there are in public, the less everybody else has to guess.
Absolutely. All journeys are different, and all are valid.
Good. I'll keep an eye out for yours.
I started it yesterday!
Stevie:
I just finished reading your article about all of the surgeries. I transitioned over 30 years ago and went through many if not all of what you experienced. Emotionally at the time it was difficult to process. Looking back I can't believe it was even possible. Your comment about the word transgender continually floating around in your brain touched me. For me that thought completely disappeared about two years after my last surgery, but has recently returned. Maybe it's because as we age there are events we can't control, or maybe we realize we are literally running out of time to fully live our lives.
My transition saved my life and the people around me who helped and still love me, I will be eternally grateful for.
"Rock On, Stevie"
Life is good.
Karin Anne Johnson
Karin, that’s a generous thing to write, and it means more coming from someone who did this long before me. I hadn’t heard that the word can fade for a couple of years and then come back. I’d assumed it would only fade from here. I wrote that I don’t want it to remain the organising principle of my life, and your point about time is a fair reason it might keep knocking.
I’m glad your transition saved your life, and glad the people around you stayed. Rock on right back.
This is such a valuable tool! I’m planning out my own transition now and while it will certainly look different from yours, I think we approach things from a similar project management lens. Separately, is it possible for you to link to the other pieces about your surgeries where you reference them in this essay?
Project management lens is exactly it, and I'd apologise for that but it's the only way my brain works.
Fair point on the links, they should be in there. I'll get them added to the piece this week.
Hi Stevie,
Hope you are well. So you have made it to the Transgender hall of fame known as "Heroines of My Life" well done love. You f**ing deserve that! As I have said before your one of my inspirations and a shining light on my chosen path. Thanks for writing this and thanks for the advice. Best wishes Paula
Thank you Paula, that's very kind of you. It still feels faintly ridiculous to be going on that site, given I used to sit and read it wondering whether any of it was actually possible for someone my age. Turns out it was. Best of luck with yours.
My wife had the rib surgery the same day you had voice surgery. I can highly recommend her surgeon here in the Boston area - she is ecstatic with her results.
Same day, what are the odds. I'm really glad she's happy with it, and good to hear Boston is doing that work well. Give her my best.
Thank you. And the results have blown me away. Recovery from it is a bitch - not because of pain or anything, but because of having to wear a waist cincher + corset + compression garment 24x7 for 3 months. My surgeon was incredible. Highly recommended.
Also - far too many other parallels: software professional, late 50s, fast tracking like there's no tomorrow (because without this there wouldn't have been). Different order to you, but equal intensity.
Also, and you know I have to ask this - Is that a Ford GT in the top picture? Is it yours? Do you still have it? Can I come over and drive it????? :)
Three months in a corset is the bit that doesn't make it into the before and after photos. Noted, and slightly dreaded. I'm speaking to someone in Poland on the 9th of October.
Software, late fifties, and running the whole thing at a sprint. Give or take a few operations, we may have been separated at birth.
As for the car, nice try.
Fantastic on the Poland consult! I understand the complete reluctance to come to the USA, so it’s really great to see this is available elsewhere. The exact technique may differ, but you can get a glimpse of it at https://www.instagram.com/reel/Dbdp-M2RzPI - be sure to turn your volume up to get the sound effects. Older techniques would insert a titanium plate into your body and screw them to the ribs that had been fractured. Newer techniques no longer do this. And I suspect that there are different recovery protocols as a result. But nobody ever talks about that messy bit in the middle.
Hmm, sprint per procedure? Epic or portfolio feature for the whole project? Do we break each procedure down into tasks like “investigation”, “surgeon selection”, “consultation”, “pre-op physical”, “surgery”, “recovery”, “mid-recovery checkin”, “user acceptance”?
So it is a Ford GT then? I’ll trade you a ride in my modified 911? 😜
Not a world I have experience of, but a fascinating read. It sounds like a lot of sacrifice, but worthwhile, and you are very brave to share it with the world.
Thanks Christian. It reads like sacrifice written down in a list, which is a bit of a trick of the format. Living it, most of it was admin and recovery and being bored on a sofa.
I'm going to read this when I can give it my full attention.
Wise. It's an absolute monster of a thing, I'd get a cup of tea in first.